The shadowed Possibility of you

I am driving home after work,I thought of you. When I know I shouldn't and yet I am driving the slowest I can go. I have that look on my face,  that say's ," I am in love with you and yet you aren't here".Smiling the best I can and yet I feel sad at the same time by thinking of you.
I thought I was over you and somehow I ended up on your street. I don't know how this is happening again, I rarely think of you. But since this is the second time, I thought of you for most of the day . It seems that I just can't get rid of you , if I even needed to and I have tried. I miss you and that's the truth and I can't deny that.
Today, things floated back to me as if it was yesterday but I know it wasn't. It was four long years ago. It seems like every autumn season that comes along,I think of you.  And I wonder if you are thinking of me too? Or maybe I am it's in my imagination and everything was not real, it was one sided. But you may be my ghost that will never leave because I need to be reminded of pure happiness once in a while when I have none.
Then I think maybe there are second chances in life ? And why I think of you in this season? Maybe I wish for those crisp mornings sitting next to you and being relaxed. Or those afternoons of slight banter and a little flirting on my way home.
As I stare into the middle of the road , I feel you as if you here with me. You make me get lost and in a way of being found all over again. You are holding my hand and rubbing your thumb in a shape of a circle. Then I would feel that smile and I smile.
When you would smiled at me from some reason , I would always smile back to a point that I can't stop smiling and I would get lost in you. And I never knew why I could be happy with you.
People said ,"That I should of taken the next step and see if you wanted the same thing". I never did because I love what we had. It was simply too special to me that I couldn't risk of losing you on any level. And yet maybe I am holding on to much too about you. I am too attached to the idea of you and us. The possibility was there and the timing was there but we couldn't make it possible.
We walked away from friendship before we could give anything a chance. We had an intangible bond that come from nothing but happiness.
I feel like our souls were two strong white candles lit and the flames would never be unlit. But in some odd way as if the universe give us a sign we would always reconnect during the giving season. I  appreciate  those times more to be connected as if we never lost touch in the first place.


But after those times, I am just remind of you and have to live with the possibility of you has always.
     Always ~good bye~ for now.

Life is a Battle,But what do you with it?

Maybe I am kidding myself?

 Maybe this setback is the reason I shouldn't continue and just let it go.

And just go through the path that I am forced into.

Give in once again, give in to them.

Maybe life isn't about happiness anymore but about doing the things you don't want to do.

To just move in the direction that would be slower than sitting on what you want.

Maybe I was never cut out for what I want to be, or where to be in life.

I see friends doing so well in all their achievements and I am proud of each of them.

But I am sitting here, "What I am doing here?"

Seriously I thought of my plan for life would work out for once. But I am still here, drowning in life's problems of everyone else and I am picking up the pieces all over again.And still trying to make life something that would be worth for myself.

I guess history does repeat itself, time and time again.

I face this constant problem once a week of every month at least.

It's the battle, which I think people must face at some point in their life.

It seems when I find a path through that battle , it just freezes and goes back to the same.

I stare at the fork in the road so many times, and then I choose the path.

That path then turns into that same fork road again. It does turn back to where I want it to be for a while at least then to the same spot again.

As if life is asking me, "Are you sure about this?" Life keeps daring me by the choices I have made and throwing to many curves at once. To the point that I just stop catching the curves.

And just let it rain with all the curves  it can throw and I sit because I am too tired to start over with the little strength , I have to fight.

Then something happens..

 I am the one asking life questions right back :

What did I do wrong? Why am I the one who’s hurt again? And what happened? How did I get here again?

Sometimes Life does answer back with  signs that make sense and I thank those curves being thrown.

Then I pull together all the strength I have to use, pick up my own pieces and look at my path and life all over with a different light that has some problems solved.

The battle with life and what a person might not ever end but if you keep fighting it may be all worth it in the end.

Fighting with the wrong person

It's round after round with you , isn't?

Always arguing about the same stuff until we end up with silence through the night.
What started to be a simple statement turned into a hurricane, a lighting storm and a blizzard in a short span of an hour.
 I can't bottle everything up like I used to and I am sorry for that.My body is too full to contain anymore lies and getting things throw at me for no reason.And I am too weak as if I am a trash can; to fight anymore. But it seems like that's the only way we can communicate now days. Which is heartbreaking to say . We were so close and now we are to far apart to be connected as were once.
You are the only person in the world that knows all my buttons and triggers that I have and you use them against me as your ammo. Through every argument we had lately you had use them endlessly.
  To point at me as if you didn't do a thing and flip everything I said, instead of listening to the content. I have noticed you listen to respond to get the last word, always.And that's fine, you can have the last word every time.I wish you would just listen to my words and understand where I am coming from.

            
             That second to the last fight , 

 You said, "You are fighting with the wrong person". That's where you are wrong ,even through you won't admit it. The truth is you are fighting with the wrong person,
 You have lied, broke to many promises and mutilated too many situations. And I am still here, fighting to make you understand,But yet I know I should quit before I am completely broken into glass,
The only person you should be fighting with is yourself because that's the problem. You can't accept being wrong and imperfect, just like the rest of us, The ego is too big and being vulnerable is too hard,
I do understand. But why. It's me here the one you say, "Is truly important to you".I have learned something about the reason behind truly loving the people around you.That people do things for the people , they love for a number of things in life.
But to do the impossible; to save the ones they love from themselves. And show their love ones that doing the hardest obstacle in life is the key of how much those people mean to them.
Again  I am still fighting with you even tho,
I shouldn't and I am falling apart from this.
It's what I have to do to show you  that's it's okay to be wrong and lose. And still be happy with life in the end.
I lose sleep many nights and lose my own happiness to show you that I am here... for.. you..
Please quit fighting with me and put up that white flag , so we can start to mend this. If not and we keep fighting over and over.I will start being slight then go invisible in your life, I beg you to stop fighting with the  "wrong person" and  look into yourself for me, All I ask...

When We Meet

I want it to be the most embarrassing moment ...
Because it would be worth the wait.
No expectations, just reality..Real.. Human connection.
That moment that we both can't forget and know that's how our life would be real and enjoyable.
I want to get lost in us meeting as if nothing mattered.

 When We Meet

I want to see how life could be with us.
And know  who you are more than anyone else does,
I want to look into your eyes and see that Through up's and downs that we will hold hands through it all.
I want to fall on the ground laughing from you walking through the streets shouting things that shouldn't be said out loud.
You would sneak off to buy a flower for me but you ended up buying the rest of the flowers that the lady had and start handing them out to people, because you can.

When We Meet

I want to trip over air, so you can catch me and say, "you tripped over air, Really?"
 I would smile and say, "Yup, I do. It's a normal re-currents".
Then sit down at a table and make airplanes with you and fly them around, where ever we are.
After that, we would flip a coin and see who would pick up the tab.
But in the end we would split the tab anyway.
Then pick up that old couple's tab because they have been married for twenty-five years and on their anniversary.

 When We Meet

 We would just know that we were met to be from day one.
That spark would never end , no matter how old we are, where we are, if kids are in the picture or what the future holds in store for us.
And twenty -five years , there will be two young people on their first moment together picking up our tab on our anniversary.

News!

There will be a new short writing piece coming soon!!! Called ,"When We Meet".

The Tree Lights

 As I am sitting here looking at the sun going down turning into dusk, I envisioned that tree in our backyard we once had together.That intoxicating wild tree that stood alone which pulled us into wanting the house even more. And the first thing we did after buying our home was to fill a cart with tons lights that should never go together in any setting .Then we opened each box and lit them up on the grass. That's when we started to laugh about how much lights we actually bought for one tree ,at the same time we realized that we trapped ourselves within the lights.
From all the laughter we had together, we had a serious moment that I will never forget.
you said," Well who's going up the tree? Because I am not." We ended up playing thumb war to figure out who  would go up the wild tree. But we had lost count of who was ahead and who was losing.
Together we adventured up the tree and held each other hands at certain points. Going up that tree  with you were the best moments I could ask for to be in life.
It took us the whole day to put up those lights and the other essentials. But nothing could beat the view we had that very night. I remember sitting next to you with the red striped blanket wrapped around us and thinking, " This is life and where I was met to be".I remember each date night , we had  always ended up that wild lit tree. The fire department  should of been called at some point but they weren't. We shared so many sweet kisses and many happy moments that will  never amount  to anything more special  that I would ever feel again.
 Our breath in the night's air and our soft hand holding is what I missed the most from those times. That last night we had together in the tree was the most important. You were going off to the other side of the world for two years.
 We still stay together and connected by letter and once in a while a phone call. But something was off and I could feel it in in my soul. I thought ,"Maybe it was just miss cues". But I was wrong.
 Then something happened that I will never forget. I had a call from your area and I was excited but I heard a voice that wasn't yours. And I started to lose my everything. Things went into a blur and all I heard was," he is a little gone  but he is still whole. I promise." Things went quiet , I couldn't say a syllable in that moment and for days after that.
 That following week you and your brother in arms come home. You looked the same to me that dark brown curly hair with your old denim baseball cap and your clear cut dark green eyes. But as you came  closer there wasn't that smile, I knew so well for so many years.  Things changed and you changed too.
 As the days went on, you weren't the same. You were quiet ,lost and didn't want to be bothered  about what had happened to you. What happened on the other side of the world was never repeated. I stare at you , when you aren't aware of it and I think in my head,  " I am here, I am here , just look please".
 W hen we did talk , it just a mixed jumble of sentences that doesn't make sense. We had lost our way of us overall. There was rarely a smile or two ever exchanged. We act as if we were two strangers living in someone else's house.
Ten Months later. You woke up one morning and  said," I am done, I want to leave this place and be somewhere else , I need a change and move away".  I said  , " Okay, change is good, Let's move then". But then you said," No, Not us, me Alone. We are in the past. Two different people , chasing what could of been and what was us. We changed, I changed. We just can't be together anymore". Life stood still for the longest time. All I could say was " Okay".
 That week we made plans to move and to leave each other. It was the worst time period in my life to go through but it wasn't the end. I brought  the smallest studio apartment I could fine. And you went to leave with a buddy. There was no good bye hug nor a kiss , just a nod and quietness between us  I kept that house but never walked back into that place since the day we left.
 When I feel alone in the world, I drive by there with my house key and my wedding band on a key chain. I always think I could  walk through the house and out to our tree. But I never can, I just sit  in the parked driveway and cry for hours until I have none left to give.
 It was the house we chose to live together, raise our children in and grow old. The kids would play up the tree and  we would chase them down the tree.
 We had so many plans for our lives. Now, plans are change but I still hope one day that things would go back to where they used to be. Maybe I am still holding on to the past. But I am not going to give up as long as we are alive I will wait. Even if that I Mean forever. Remember our promise, "Stay when things are tough and a little rough but never forget  what is worth it". You are worth it then and now. You will remember that tree and us.
And I will be here, waiting...

new piece coming soon

 A new little piece coming very soon please check it out , when it come out! Its called Tree lights!

Pounds on the Heart

I have been betrayed and lied to many times  to even want to go through another round of that for anyone including you.
You knew that  and I don't know how to make it any clearer to you. You slowly ruined our strong relationship to where, there wouldn't be one soon. I attempted to fix us because I might not handle losing you completely but I will at some point. Just the same as the others.You can deny all you want and say that I have lost my marbles and my sight. But I have the most concrete proof in the world  handed to me to back up my case and you let the world see that to.
All I am asking,"Is for you to double check what you are doing is appropriate by your standards? And make a choice."
Should you be having "Fun" with these other people , when you have someone very special next to you? Is it worth fifteen plus years of ups and downs with someone who really knows you, for you and has accepted you for all your faults?
I stare at the concert evidence and all I am  thinking is,"Why damage something that should be worth it ?And  you did say that it was always worth it, to you?"I tell you how I feel about this with full honestly and you laugh in my face constantly. Sometimes I hope and pray that I am just in a very long dream.But each day I wake up and there is that red concrete  that won't go away in my face.If you respected me the way you say you do, then you would attempt to come clean or have a game plan. But we both know you have dug yourself to deep in that hole to jump out any time soon.
Now I don't care if  you choose "fun" over something real. I want you to be happy but not destroy the one other solid in my life that has been there for me since forever.And that isn't okay with me if you destroy it.
This has been going on for three and half years now. I just can't let this go on any longer it's making me sick inside.I was slowly losing myself in the beginning without even knowing it.Now I am not myself , losing sleep,losing happiness,constantly under stress.
I put my own life on hold, so you can fix the mess you created. I have been surveying everything that I have and I am to the point of complete emptiness. You say,"Its not my fault everyone is going further than I am".But how could I even believe you when I know everything , I know  when you lie and betray.
Now in this moment you are on your own.I will not fix your mess any longer then I already have. I will not be there when you have exhausted your last chance. Enjoy your fishing because that's all you will have left. I am going to live the life I always wanted. To be filled with worth it. I am going to let all these pounds of lies and betrayal on my heart from a joker who doesn't see true love in his face.
The pounds are off my heart and I can breathe again and I hope those pounds will never return and you see what I see and do something  about it. And if you don't that was your choice and not my problem.

Baby love

A friend of mine wanted pictures of her baby girl. Here is  a few:

 "Simple"

 "Attachment" 

Everyday

 I miss you more than you will never know .
Sometimes I would fade out of reality and think of you, only you.
The way you make me nervous in a way that i am not at the same time.
I wish you would call me and tell me that i was wrong.

I miss holding on to something real and strong.
And I wonder if, I am the only one.
If i would see those eyes staring back at me in the morning over that hot peppermint tea.
Remembering those long talks that started with nothing then ended up being one of the key moments to live for.

If i was lost in a though about something i could write about,you knew my tell sign.
Then you handed me a pen and a kiss on the head and out the door you went.
But before u knew it, you said, "you wanted more than  what  we were already". I said  "no".
You walked away that morning and i couldn't stop you.
Because i knew if you wanted me the way you did, you knew what it took but you didn't want to do the work.

I found that note later on ..And it said

  "Maybe i may not be the man you wanted me to be right now. Maybe i could be.And maybe i am not. But if i  come back to you , it was met to be and i have learned my lessons. And i found ,who i need to be. If i  don't, i hope you keep being you everyday and who ever walks into your life is everything you need to be and everything you want."

Signed

"Love the one who might miss you everyday and the one who might come back to be with you everyday."

Now i don't know why  but i kept that note for a reason and maybe it is for hope that you will come back.

I might fall in love with someone else soon if you don't return.

Wondering

Crumbling Beauty 

Lost in the world

I feel lost in there world  for a number of reasons why.

Some reasons i can't say out loud or even want to repeat.Other reasons are too obviously known.
But today people are around me either talking to me or having conversions with others.
I feel lost in the wind and I am at my point.When you walked away ,"You are Truly lost".
I keep asking myself,"How can I be lost , when I found myself again to the point of being happy again?"Now i stood there for a while and repeated the same word over and over  "Lost".
 I walked away from who I was. Because of people who loved me ( They said)  and walked all over,  who I was.They took me for granted for who I was.
From that point on I stopped lending a hand to those who walked over me but if they needed me to be there I would be.

That's how I lost respect

I stopped taking pictures because people used them as they were their's and wouldn't give me credit. Unless I asked ,"Why they didn't?" it because "Everyone knows already".But all I wanted  was a small piece of credit and those pictures were free. I guess that was to much to ask for.

That's  how I lost my Passion.

Then I was forced into a career that i knew ,  I wasn't really meant to be in for just my career but apart of my overall career.And I was kept getting told," I take to long to decide on what i want".I  only take a while deciding things because my heart and my mind analyze everything. I need to be sure of where i need to be doing with my life

That's how I lost my Drive

When I found myself again through a long depth conversion and I realized my respect,passion and drive were dim but not diminished.Slowly I came back to myself stronger and happier then ever than be ore.

 I have always known who I wanted to be and where I need to be.It just took a while to be completing sure, that lost tunnel is going away. People reasoning about my life and not be accepted by me at any means.

After processing that ( life stood still in that moment) and i realized that you meant . That my heart was close off to love.And loving you as well.

I realized that I was being with you to  block my pain of falling in love then actually falling in love with you. 

On that point you were right,"I am truly lost  about the meaning of love". Being hurt by those whom I loved can do that to you.Being lied to, being forgotten about to many times and not being heard.

You start closing yourself from love without realizing it. I may have my respect, my passion and my drive but love is important.I wish I could of went after you and said ,"Yes , I love you".

Horses 2015

Holding Hands and memories

This morning I was doing a simple chore

I remembered those moments from a time ago

Those moments that I can’t forget and moments that I can’t, deny there wasn't something there even though I tried.

I can feel your hands warming up my hands right now in the cold as if it just happened all over again.

Then I realized I was imaging you.

Sometimes you knew when my hands were just warm enough but you continued to hold my hands as if it was a normal thing to just do, holding on.

Holding on as if I wouldn't let you keep holding my hands. The truth is I didn't mind, holding your hand as I rest my head on your shoulder.

We were an innocent thing at the time and neither one of us acted on it. But it was sweet enough that I wish it would have lasted forever or at least repeated again.

On this day, I thought of you often. More than I should of today. But it was worth it, to just remember your touch, your breathing. And how you used to rub your thumb around my hand. Also being connected on a level that we never discussed.

Even when I had gloves on and you somehow knew they were still cold. And when I denied that they were freezing, you took off my gloves and held my hands until it was time to let them go.

Then the next day would come and I would see you, sit next to you and you would touch my hands as if you truly wanted to be connected again. Each day of every morning I would look forward to that moment each time.

Each time we would touch felt more real than any form of love I have been in or seen anywhere. Less words, but the words were never need to be said, our touch was enough I felt connected to someone who cared just for my well-being for once.

This connection was shared.

 It was more than enough that I have to say that I might have fallen in love with you, with a simple hand holding than anything else. But you will never know that because I never told you and yet I feel that I might have told you when I said, “I feel more relaxed around you than anyone else in my life and that’s hard to do”.

 You never said a word about what I said but you continue to hold my hand and smile. Most people will never understand why so simple was perfect. And I will always hold on to those memories because someone special might come along but they might have to live up to that moment at some point. Who knows our paths may cross and that special person I am meant to be with is you.