You left me behind in the tire tracks where I was lost in the world each time. During the last time, it felt as if you left me in a desert during a lighting storm, behind the dust.
Now I see you as someone else that used to be you once upon
a time. And what you stood for before now. When things were tough, you ran no
matter, how small the problem was. You left. So many times before, I stood
still for a moment or two hoping that you would turn around but you never did. Each
time you returned after a while and sometimes you were fine or worse off before
you left in the first place. It wasn’t easy to lock myself away from the, “Sorry’s”
and “It’s all your fault not mine”.
When you couldn’t handle the pressure, out the door you went
to your escape from me. I would stare through the front window until you start
to move away from the driveway. Then I would run outside to see if you would
truly leave again. Every time I couldn’t stop thinking if I stood behind the
rear view window, you would realize “No matter what you say at the end of the
day, you hurt me and I still hope the man, I looked up to would see what he
does to himself ” .
That last time was the worst after standing in the driveway
for those dragging moments, waiting in the wind to breathe again. Walking back
into the empty house after closing the heavy door, I fell to my knees, weeping
and then hugging myself into a tight ball on the cold floor in silence. Repeating
to myself slowly through the tears, “Why… Why… What did I do? To deserve this
much pain.” From the few words you said, impacted my life more than ever on how
I can trust and care for others. You said, “You don’t care about me, I could be
gone forever and you wouldn’t care and it wouldn’t matter. I want to leave this
place and not back here ever”. I let you walk out the door because I knew that
no matter what I could say to make you stay.
All I could say to you while holding back tears: “You just
said the worst to me. I am still here, caring is who I am, I may separate myself
away from a dead discussion but I have never walked out on you nor that I will.
I had too many people walk through doors and things changed after that. If you
want to leave, then leave. You can but don’t expect me to be happy and act as
if nothing happened if you come back”. After those words you said nothing but grabbed
your keys from your jean pocket. And out the door you went, never looking back
when you should of.
That was the last time you would hurt my heart ever again. Laying
on the cold tile floor with too many tears and shaking uncontrollably waiting
for my breathing to return to normal. Trying to make sense, how to move and
what to do next was a hard concept to comprehend at the time. Making phone
calls to a few, who could make me laugh for a few minutes, seem to be the best
medication to cover up the pain.
During one of the phone calls, you called and I knew what
was coming. I took the call, when I shouldn’t have to hear the same story over again.
I thought, “You never made loving you easy”. Changing my reaction was hard in
the moment to do, you sounded as if you honesty regretted walking out this
time. I felt your forgiving words and I could forgive you, one day and that’s the
truth. What made me freeze during the call was that you said, you got my
favorite things and you were coming home to talk. I stayed silent until you finished
with your speech. “That’s fine that you did that, you can handle things around
here, I need space. But I won’t run away to do it. Don’t expect me to sit in
the same area with a smile on my face, when I have been crying for hours and
losing my voice”.
When you came home, I let you in and yet I felt that you were
still gone, while I am still left behind. We could have the same discussion
over and aver again about our relationship. About the things, we need to work
on and to move forward but you still walk away in the end because it’s too difficult
to do.
Walking away is never easy for me and it’s something I never
want to do unless I have to. That’s my line in the sand; you can walk away as
many times you want. If it continues to happen, I will walk away to and not
came back either. You broke through the bond that was unbreakable at one point until
you broke me slowly in times, when we could have been stronger.
Separating myself away in a room with a pen in hand, waiting
for the words to come to me and on the paper below. Words were hard to say out
loud and express but I love you. Leaving me in the tracks isn’t fair to the
girl who always stood next to you, when she shouldn’t. Having to tell you
millions of times, how you make things worse isn’t worth it any longer. When I am
not your match, find your match but don’t push them away from your good qualities
that make you good. I am your friend and your closest confidant to the end, go
find your own happiness.
