Paragon's Chapter

***Please read the link below first before you read this piece.
https://apersonmisread.blogspot.com/2015/08/the-tree-lights.html

Three years later, I walk into a home that used to be ours for the first time again. All that was left behind hasn’t moved but has collected dust. Each step across the tile floor, started to get painful but I had to bear it, for that special memory to look at it for the last time. Knowing that this will be the last time forever meant more than ever but doing it without you felt so wrong.

Taking breaks throughout the house seems to last forever. My strength was getting weaker and falling to my knees seem to be easier then moving at all. But I must see it one way or another, it’s my only day to see it alone. Seeing things as they were in rooms, seems if we never left at all. Almost. Seeing a pair of sneakers at the door, the fake hydrangeas in the tall baby blue vase that your mom got us in the living room. Our wedding day picture the one on the mantel above the fireplace; where you carried me out of the church unexpectedly; it’s my favorite picture.

Making my way to the dining room seem to be harder. Looking at the table still set for our last meal, never happened with forks, and knifes on the wrong side of the plates, just how we liked it but our mothers would change them around. Remembering all those crazy, non-logical conversions that somehow makes sense in the end. I can see that time when the turkey went flying off the table and hitting my father out of his chair. I can’t help but smile a little as my tears continue to fall on the hardwood floors.

One more room until I see those big windows doors leading into the backyard and to our tree. Taking in a deep breath and rise from the floor. I close my eyes and replayed that last day together once more as I walk down the hallway. Reaching the kitchen, I see you in a green hoodie and jeans, sitting at the island once again; I remember reaching for the coffee to pour into my cup that said, “Be Brave”. I turn around and you threw your hands down on to island’s counter, “I need a change and move away.” And I said, “Okay, change is good, let’s move then “. I remember those eyes that day they weren’t yours. “Not us, me. Alone. We are in the past. Two different people , chasing what could of been and what was us. We changed, I changed. We just can't be together anymore.” That’s all you said to me and those were your last words. all I could say to you was “Okay”. Nothing more, nothing less.

You walked out of the room and out the door you went. I can see myself then and shrinking into the floor crying for hours, thinking, and repeating “Okay”. I remember not moving until our moms came over to check in because I haven’t answered a phone call since you said those words. They walked into our home, calling our names. I didn’t say a word as they walked into the house, I just threw my arm into the air with the cup. They rushed over put the mug on the island and sat alongside me until I could breathe again.

We sat and prayed for a while about our families, strength to move in life and wishing for healing to take over the pain you went through and continue to go through. Hoping for the future to have good things to come sooner than later. You will never know what happened after you walked out that day. I am grateful to have had them there, to process the sight that happened before my eyes.

Back to reality I am in the doorway of the kitchen. I see that mug, it was washed but it never moved from that spot since that day. I threw my keys, my wedding ring and key chain into it. Turning away from it before I can burst into too many tears and run back out the front door. I look at the ground, I see the sun’s reflection on the floor from those from those doors, I dreamed about so countless times before. Looking up from the sandstone tile, I see through those giant windows around the doors. I see our tree, our future, our happiness, what was and what could have been forever but it’s a dream. I walk up to those doors, putting my hands to the glass for a few moments has I rest my head as well. Has I stood there in silence, my tears rolled down my cheeks but they are happy tears. Whispering to no one, “I made it here after so long, I am sorry I am home for you.”

I unlock the doors for the first time in a long time, hearing the door handle squeak, we were always meant to fix that. I step down the steps to the concrete patio and walk across to the green grass to meet an old friend. Looking at her, she looked healthy with aged to perfection, like a fine wine since I saw her last. I see you again, in this reality but in the past. When we brought    those lights and many date nights in that tree. I haven’t been this happy for a while; I just wish nothing happened and you were here with me. Dropping to my knees into the soft grass; I realized why I couldn’t let go of this house. This was our life, I always prayed that you would be at the front door steps when I drove by. Also, I never wanted to relive the pain, but remember you then. Letting this go would be the last of us, together.

I see myself wrapped in lights and you laughing on the grass. Our thumb war about who’s going up the tree first. Releasing everything I had from that day and about days before and what the universe does, all I could do is laugh. Deciding to lay on the grass the last time, to look up the branches in the sky for one last time, I see the backyards gate in process and I could have used it but I had to see us before I came out here. Closing my eyes, I can hear nothing but the birds, my breath, and the light breeze in the air for a few moments; I forgot was even there.

Knowing there is one more thing I need to do. Opening my eyes, I took off my sandals and walked up to the tree with my arms open wide.  Before I started climbed up, “let me climb up one more time, Please”. Climbing the tree, I hear those moments, the nights, the laughter and just what I wanted to hear all this time. Reaching the thick branch where we spent most nights, it took longer than I originally thought but it was worth it beyond measures. Turning towards the hills and mountains, they were beautiful just like I remember maybe even better. Leaning on the side of trunk, I listen taking in the world above and around me. I could just seat there for days, it’s been too long. I haven’t been able to relax like this in the world in forever.

 My phone keeps going off for the last four hours, finally decided to answer it. "Honey its mom, heaven sense, where are you? We have been calling you and everyone is at your house, your sisters, your brothers, and cousins. Remember the potluck dinner tonight? " I started to laugh like I used to, "Mom I am home". "No, you aren't because you are not here!" " Mom would you breathe for a moment, I am at my once upon a time home, I made it to the door, into the house and I am in the tree. I have been here a while but mom I need something." "What is it?" "I need you to bring everyone over here for the potluck, a few boxes of lights and decorations. Mom, do you hear me? I am ready to let it go."  I hear her sniffing "You sound happy, sweetheart “she’s crying a little more, "Honey, you just sound free again, that's all. We will bring everything in a half an hour, everyone is leaving now." I smile," Thanks mom."

 I had to make one more call, I didn't expect myself to do, but it felt right, not call. Dialing the number for once with good news."Hey lovey lady, I am calling to tell you something good. I know it's been awhile since I called last but I must tell you this. I made it inside the door, into the house and I am now up the tree and I feel happy. Can you bring everyone here, my family is coming to and we are going to have our potluck here one last time. Please don't tell him, please this for my healing and I want to stay happy like this it may not last. Hearing my mother - in - law crying over the other side made me cry a little, in an uplifting way.  "Honey, I am glad you called, we all miss you. Yes, I can do that, we will be there soon. You sound free, I know why you haven't called in a while but I am glad you called today to tell me. Do you need anything else?" "One more thing, a few lights for the tree." She laughs and said, "That tree needs more lights, no problem. See you soon and please don't fall."

 Closing my eyes again, listening to the wind and I can smile easy and my heart feels alive again. I looked up to the branch above, where our initials exist, still there. I remember how I had to hold your legs in place to do that. "Don’t let me go, remember whose idea this is, if something happens".  I said," It was yours ". I rolled my eyes then as I rolled them now. I move to the side of the tree and stood on the branch the best I could. Then grabbed my arrow bracket around my wrist and started to crave, " love you always" near our initials. If my mother could see me know, she would have a heart attack. This is the most dangerous thing I have done in years.

 Hearing laughter below and " Jesus, Mary, Joseph “. I knew my family made it. I only smile and continue to crave, " I will be done in a few moments and be right down". Once I reached the earth again, my family stops what they are doing and come straight towards me. I started to run just like I used to as a child until, my brothers caught me. One big hug started to form between twenty- eight people was magical force, all the love in the air, each other's hand connecting with another. Everyone seem to be healing to, standing there together for a while until we all had tears of happiness and nothing was spoken but there was many words  change between each pair of eyes.

 Hearing more voices through the gate, the rest of my blended family coming into our hug and we continue to be still for a while longer. All I could think in these unique moments, "The universe wanted me to heal my pain just like this. It just took a while to get here in this place ". Taking a breath in, "Okay, now that we are all here together. Who's ready to add more lights to this beauty, she needs a little makeover? “As we separate I see four boxes of lights and decorations. Each person had strings of lights and decorations, we start to decorate the giant just like a Christmas tree in the middle of the spring season. Taking breaks between us and eat from the potluck spread. Feeling normal again, I can see my big family happy too.

 By the time we were all done, we just stared at her and relaxed on blankets, chairs, benches, and buckets.  The transformation she went through took about three hours all together but she looked glorious now. She had white lights, blue lights, multicolored lights, and a few twinkle lights wrapped around. She had paper lanterns, Stars, hearts, and arrow tacked on her branches. everyone wrote a message or a word to give her a little more love she deserved. She stood there with her twisted branches reaching to the lord above, touching the homes next to her, she belongs like this. Waiting for the sun to set for the day, the neighborhood started to come through the gate. It seems the tree wanted to bring everyone together that was ever a part of our lives for a moment or is still around us now.  The moments started to feel like a book written down and coming alive in my life.

When the sun started to come closer, I started to scale back up the tree. Going up the tree faster before the sun sets completely. I reached the middle of the tree and I see. "I Miss You" written in the tree, I have never seen it before and I wonder if you ever wrote it. Moving my hand over it and thought, "Miss you more". And continued to climb a little further to reach our spot and the sunset was a spectacular sight to see.The lights came in after the sunset, there were numerous Awe’s and clapping. I sat there looking around myself in lights taking over my sight a little. I feel happy and yet alone with tears coming down endlessly. Then the lights went out all the sudden and hearing people down below trying to fix the problem. I couldn’t move an inch if I wanted to but I knew somehow the lights would come back on. My family had flashlights shining towards the tree to try to get me to come back down. I had to tell them, “The tree wants me to stay up here until the lights come back on.”

 Looking back at the night hills and the mountains I slightly prayed for a miracle to occur, any miracle would do but one. Hearing your name is not what I expected for a miracle. I thought I must of be losing my mind now. Then the lights came on, I looked up again towards the sky for an answer but my answer to my miracle was down below. My eyes saw you in this reality, different and yet the same but with a relief across your face. I am not one to question life’s signs but in this instance, I had to. You walked towards the tree and turned your old blue baseball cap on your head. Then you started to scale up the tree and I wanted to run back into the night sky of my dreams. But I am about two stories high from the ground to move.

 Nowhere to go but watch you move on to our branch say, “I should have never said not us”. All I could do is stare into you and say nothing. “I never had regrets in this life but I mourned that very sentence and that day all together. I couldn’t just come back to you like I was when I came home. I had process everything without anyone including my wife, alone.” A quiet tear escaped down my left cheek then another while I look at you. You smile and say nothing else for a moment as if I am dreaming slowly into my wishes of reconnecting. “I come by here often, hoping I would just see you and explain, how sorry I am but you were never here when I was. But then I saw all these cars out front tonight and the tree lights came on. I had to see if you were here but I couldn’t bring myself to move. Until the lights turned off suddenly and I heard a voice say, “She’s home”, I started to run down the street towards the house. I walked through the gate and the lights turned on then I saw you up the tree, my heart jumped like the first day I saw you.

Closing my eyes and drawing an eight on my left had with my fingertips. Before I could speak, my soul took a few breaths, “I know you had to. I prayed each time, I would stop here that you would be here too. I could never bring myself to walk through the front door until today in three years. Looking at you finally I see tears rolling down your face to. Slightly wishing I could touch you even for a second and you reached for my hand then I put my hand into yours. Meeting your eyes with mine, “I just need to know, did you write I miss you in this tree?” Your green eyes stared into my hazel eyes for a few heartbeats pass by.  You wipe your tears and say, “Yes I did, this morning. I had to leave a sign for you, if I ever saw you again. I had to tell you that I think of you daily in less words. You are my life, our families will always be connected into one, this house is our home and no one else’s. this tree brought us together again because we belong here, together. I can promise right now, you are the one and the only one who keeps me, me and I never want to leave you alone in this world ever again even for a heartbeat. Our hearts know it’s true and our hands are destined to hold each other forever in pain and in happiness. I know I walked away once but I will never do that to you. Please let’s come home, together”.

I wrapped my other hand around ours and said, “I can’t handle you walking away from me a second time in this life, it will break me and I don’t know if I can come back from that. I want to come home to with you. I want to build our loves from scratch to a point and have our dreams come true, together. Shaking your head, “I am going to kiss you for the first time in a long time”. But I had to stop you for a moment, “Tell me something funny first. “You laughed and it was good to hear that, “Remember when fell when the lights were stuck on you and pulled me down with you. One of the best days, we had besides when I picked you up in your dress, priceless”. I smiled, “I said tell me something funny. “you winked, “It was. You know it was, you just don’t want admit.”

 Moving close to each other, we kissed and the lights flashed a few times. We broke our overdue kiss and smiled at each other like we were kids all over again. Looking at the night before us and my head resting on your shoulder, “We need to give her a name after all she deserves one now, she brought us together again.” You leaned your on head onto mine, “Yes, we do. She’s a paragon of our destiny.”  The past three years seem to blur together and nothing has happened ever. After seating, up there together for an hour, we decided to come down. We reached to the ground and everyone had smiles in their eyes and happiness on their faces. Hugs going around and everyone in our lives seem to be uplifted more than ever. I know our new future holds, our roots belong and always meant to be here. She taught us to never letting go until you can’t do it anymore and life will take care of you in unexpecting ways that you never expected from the beginning.